


Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

by magicsophicorn



Category: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:00:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28795785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicsophicorn/pseuds/magicsophicorn
Summary: A re-write of the bedroom goodbye scene in 2x01 to make it even more painful.
Relationships: Zoey Clarke/Joan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend

**Author's Note:**

> What's the opposite of a fix-it fic? Because that's what this is. I don't know what to tell you. I watched the goodbye scene (you can [watch it on Instagram here](https://www.instagram.com/tv/CJr8j-5FQTb/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)) and went "yeah I can make that so much more messed up and painful"... 
> 
> Content warning: Could be considered slightly dubious consent due to their fragile emotional states.

If Zoey had to guess which of the stages of grief she was currently in, she would probably go with somewhere between anger or depression.

Or maybe both at the same time.

She wanted to yell at anyone and everyone, to scream at the world until her throat was raw. She’d done a little bit of that earlier. She had thought it would be a relief, that it would make the anger go away, but it had just made her want to yell even more.

At the same time she also wanted to stay here in her childhood bed, with her pillow over her head, and never say another word, or see anyone, ever again.

“Honey, you have a visitor.”

Her Mom’s voice was soft and firm, her tone of voice for ‘ _this is for your own good’_ , like she used to use when telling Zoey to eat her vegetables when she was little.

It made Zoey mad.

Everything made her mad at the moment.

“I’m really not in the mood to see anybody right now,” she said, and it was a miracle she managed not to scream it, “so if it’s Max or Simon you can tell them to… take a hike.”

She had wanted to say something else there, but had stopped herself just in time. Her Mom had never liked it if she swore, and she really wasn’t in the mood for that lecture either.

But her Mom, and the visitor, ignored her.

Footsteps made their way across the room and then the end of her bed dipped as someone sat down on it.

A fresh wave of anger washed over Zoey. Why couldn’t anyone respect her wishes and just leave her the hell alone? She was _grieving_ for fuck’s sake, and yet everyone still wanted _so much_ from her. Work, Simon, Max.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

“I said I…”

But an entirely unexpected voice interrupted her before she could unleash the tidal wave of rage she was feeling.

“Hello.”

Zoey immediately sat bolt upright, abandoning the pillow over her head.

Joan? Joan was here? In her bedroom? Why?

“Oh, hi,” she said, because, well, what on earth else could she say? She paused, expecting Joan to say something, but she didn’t. So Zoey ploughed on, her need to fill the awkward silence engulfing any other thought. “Well, um, it’s so nice of you to visit me here, but don’t you have better things to do? Like, running a multi-national corporation?”

Joan smiled softly.

“Yes, I do. But when I saw you run away from work like that, I… was worried. I want you to know you don’t have to take this job.”

The look on Joan’s face made Zoey choke back tears. For the first time she didn’t feel angry that someone was concerned about her, and for a moment she considered just throwing herself forward at her boss and asking for a hug.

“Joan...”

But Joan didn’t let her say anything more.

“It was wrong of me to put so much pressure on you during a time when you’re still grieving. I just… wanted to have my successor in place before I left.”

The words echoed around in Zoey’s head. _Before I left._

“Where are you going?” Zoey said with a smile, and a chuckle, as if it was some kind of joke. Because it must be. The universe couldn’t possibly be so cruel as to take yet another person from her. Not now. Not when everything hurt so much, and every single thing in her life was already changing.

“Well, I’m going to Singapore. I’m heading up the entire Asian division of the company, it’s a big promotion that’s been in the works for a while.”

It wasn’t a joke.

Joan was leaving.

Zoey felt like the entire world was slipping away. Her anger was gone, her sadness was gone, all that was left behind was a gaping black hole of nothingness, a numbness that erased every thought before it could even enter her mind.

“Singapore. Wow. That’s a big move,” she heard her voice say, as if someone else was using it. So calm. So cheerful. So fake.

Joan didn’t appear to notice.

“Yes, it’s a big change, but there’s too many ghosts here in this city, and I’m ready for something new. Can’t be afraid of change. I don’t have anything holding me here…”

Joan paused. She looked into Zoey’s eyes, and that was enough to flip the switch inside her and turn her feelings back on.

So many feelings.

Pain and anger and sadness and betrayal and fear and loss and confusion.

Joan was waiting for her to say something.

Zoey could see all the different scenarios of how this could go play out in her head at once.

She could give Joan a reason to stay. She could tell her she needed her, tell her she loved her, as if this was some kind of goddamn romantic movie. But life wasn’t a movie, especially not her life, which was more like some nightmarish Broadway musical.

Or she could be selfless, be nice, and normal. She could tell Joan that she would miss her, and wish her well in her new life. Perhaps Joan would even say that she would miss her too. Then Joan would leave and she would go back to hiding under her pillow and screaming at the world.

That was probably the option she should go for. For Joan’s sake.

But she didn’t want to.

Zoey surged forward, grabbing Joan’s wrist that supported her on the bed with one hand, and Joan’s cheek with the other, pressing her lips against Joan’s.

She had kissed Simon and ruined their friendship, she had kissed Max and ruined their friendship, and now she was going to kiss Joan and ruin their friendship, because apparently that was what she _did_.

Joan jerked her face away, but Zoey had been expecting that and held on tightly to her wrist and head, not allowing her to move out of her personal space.

“Zoey! What are you doing?”

“Saying goodbye.”

Zoey leaned forward to kiss her again but Joan turned her face away, so she kissed her cheek instead, then whispered in her ear.

“I know you want me, Joan.”

And she did know it. She’d seen the way Joan looked at her after they’d had a bit too much to drink. She’d felt the way Joan’s hand lingered on her waist or arm whenever she touched her. They’d been dancing around this, around each other, for so long now.

She also knew that Joan would never do anything about it, because she was her boss and would never abuse her position of power. And, until now, Zoey would never do anything about it because she was a coward. But Joan was leaving, her dad was gone, and nothing mattered anymore, so why not?

“Zoey, I’m your boss…” Joan whispered, even as she started to turn her face back towards Zoey’s.

“Not for much longer.”

She watched the war going on inside Joan.

“We shouldn’t… You’re grieving…”

The anger was back and Zoey tried to swallow it down.

“Yes, of course I’m grieving. My dad just died, and now you’re leaving me too, and everything hurts, and I just want to feel something good. Please Joan, please can’t I just feel good? Just for a moment?”

As she spoke, Zoey pulled Joan’s wrist, moving her hand onto her thigh and holding it there.

“I just want to feel something that isn’t pain,” she whispered.

She kissed Joan again, and this time Joan didn’t pull away.

Zoey tried to turn her mind off. She didn’t want to think about her dad, or her family, or work, or Simon, or Max, or Joan leaving. She just wanted to _feel._

Perhaps Joan understood that, or perhaps she was just giving in to her desire.

She pushed Zoey gently until she was laying back down on her childhood bed.

Zoey undid her pants, pushing them down her legs with her underwear and wriggling out of them.

Joan watched her, her expression unreadable, not moving.

For a moment Zoey thought that Joan wasn’t going to touch her, but then she pushed her thighs apart and put her face in between them.

Closing her eyes, Zoey lost herself in the sensations of her body.

The feel of Joan’s hair running through her fingers. The smell of her perfume mingled with the unmistakable scent of _home_. The movement of her tongue inside her.

The rest of the world no longer existed, only this, only Joan and what she was doing to her body.

Zoey committed everything to memory.

When Joan was gone, Zoey didn’t want to remember her smile, or her advice, or her laugh.

That would hurt too much.

Instead she would remember her hands on her breasts and her tongue on her clit, and maybe the regret would drown out the pain.

Zoey squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hold in the tears as she came undone for Joan.

By the time she eventually opened her eyes again, Joan was already at the bedroom door.

She paused, turning back to face Zoey.

“Goodbye, Zoey.”

She didn’t wait for a reply before leaving.

It was only after the door closed shut again behind her that Zoey let the tears fall.

“Goodbye, Joan.”


End file.
